Being a professor or grad student means only one thing: moving. It’s very common to move states for a graduate program or a new job, and socializing in a new place can be tough. So, how do you make friends as an academic? Here’s some reader advice!
Shared hobbies = friendship: Overwhelmingly, my Tiktok comments said to join groups that share your interests. A few great examples:
-Many local libraries and bookstores have book clubs
-Board game shops often have game nights
-Fitness classes and sports leagues
One thing I have felt in some of these spaces is that they do give something to do but they don’t always translate into besties. BUT, to do that, you have to become used to a couple things: making the first move and being a shameless friend-maker. This book helped me learn to do both!
You also need to be patient with how friends go from “activity friends” to broader friends (there’s a study for this!). For example, if you see the same people in fitness class every week, it’s ok to start saying hi. And then start asking them what other classes they like at the gym. And then suggest you all try the new Friday zumba class. And THEN (after like 6 months) suggest post-Zumba brunch.
So, yes, friendships take a lot of time to forge (90 hours to be exact–don’t have time? try this!)! But, remember that most people want friends! The above strategy also involves research into how we become friends: first, we start out talking about the shared role we have in common, and then we can transition to talking about broader topics. I try to apply the same to friendship initiation strategies. It’s easier for people to say yes to something that is very “on brand” for how you know each other than for an agenda-less hangout like grabbing dinner.
New people need friends: The main thing MWF Seeking BFF taught me is that if people aren’t open to new friends, it’s probably not personal, it’s just that they’re already booked. So, be on the lookout for other people who have recently moved. They have more time and are often looking for more connections. I have mostly used this to meet my neighbors when they move into the neighborhood (again, cookies!!) and have made some lovely friends that way!
Similarly, don’t discount new grad student or faculty events! They’re a great place to meet new people you already know you have something in common with (this is an awesome book about building friends in grad school). I met two of my dear dear friends at new faculty orientation. By the end of the 6-hour spiel about benefits and IT support I demanded we have happy hour and it worked out perfectly <3
Casual connections count: One of the best things I read when I moved to a new state was that our casual connections are also an important sense of our belonging. Beyond our friendships, we also derive satisfaction from things like seeing the same workers at the grocery store or coffee shop or saying hi to the mail delivery person–and there are even tips for how to build these connections. This helped me to value those small connections more! I did so by 1) introducing myself to neighbors (cookies help) and 2) creating a coffee shop routine.
It’s not about the numbers: Research has found that the quality of friendships is more important than quantity. So, don’t worry about building 20 great friends in the first year–a few connections is a great place to start.
If you’re not new: It’s much easier to reach out as the established person than as the new person. It’s nice to be on the lookout for people who are new in your academic community and invite them to join you!
What else would you add? <3